From sweetheart to monster: What tweens need from a parental relationship

Posted on 27 December 2019

The tween years can be challenging. Take heart. Harsha Kalanjee, a clinical psychologist at Mediclinic Sandton, offers expert advice about what tweens need from a parental relationship.

Pre-adolescence (the ‘tween’ years) tends to be a challenging time for both kids and parents. Starting at around eight to 12 years, there are many physical, emotional, social and cognitive changes that kids undergo. It’s natural to feel as though your child has practically changed overnight.

One of the first changes you’ll become aware of is your child’s sudden awkwardness or clumsiness. Growth spurts are common during this time and you may find yourself shopping for clothes more often than you would like! Your child might also complain of body aches which are actually growing pains.

At this developmental stage, your child will start becoming a lot more aware of the thoughts and feelings of others in relation to their own thoughts and feelings. They may also start comparing themselves to their peers. This is because they’re slowly learning to be more tolerant of opinions that differ from their own while also learning how to regulate their emotions better.

It is also likely that they will start pushing their own boundaries in order to see what they can do – so don’t be surprised if your normally shy and reserved tween is suddenly wanting to be the life of the party. Encourage your tween to explore and experiment with boundaries but also ensure they know that you are there to support them. Listen to their concerns if they are struggling.

Parents need to be aware that this is also a time when bullying can be problematic. Your child has a need to fit in but at the same time, they may feel self-conscious because of the physical changes their bodies are undergoing. Understand that your child generally won’t share what they are feeling or thinking because some of these feelings are new to them as well. By acknowledging the changes and normalising them, you can open the lines of communication.

Dealing with your little sweetheart growing up is always a challenge for both parent and child – the most important thing to remember is that as long as you are present, available and are able to be your child’s ‘safe space’, you will go a long way in helping them through this time.